So I did what I said I would do in my last post: I wrote down my dreams. “Dear God, I want to write the musical you want me to write. Amen.”
Then I proceeded to be bullied by a kid in class. I told him I’d call his mom if he kept acting nuts.
“Oh, okay,” he said, dead eyed. “I’ll tell her what you did last semester and you’ll be fired.”
Um, I got on his case last October for acting like a butt wipe, and when I realized I was a harsher with my tone than I’d liked, I immediately apologized.
“She won’t do anything,” he says out loud to the class. “She’s afraid of me.”
The truth? I kind of am. I don’t want to be sued. I don’t want to lose my job. I don’t want… on and on.
You know what? That kind of fear sucks.
I proceeded to call my sponsor who flat out told me that I don’t trust God. If I did, I wouldn’t be on Year 2 of going in the opposite direction of what I’ve been gifted in.
I agree with that statement, but I’m also a fan of putting food on the table for my kids. And so I find myself, yet again, like the beautiful lady in the above photo. I’m half way between where I find myself working and half way between my dream. I’m just sitting still… and yet the chasm isn’t that large. Why? Why do I fill my days with busy busy busy? One more kid to watch. One more Ebay item to sell (despite saying I wouldn’t do that anymore). Oh, right… because I don’t trust God enough.
But why have I not worked harder at a new job?
Why have I not yet turned in that pilot?
Why have I not really sat down and looked at my musical outline in 6 months?
Am I just a big talker?
Lucky for me the night ended with a blog comment from someone who had read a Tourettes post. She said, “You are so inspiring. Thanks for your book.”
“You’re an axxhole” she writes. “Get educated on what Tourettes is. There are kids who are really hurting out there.”
I think this day will just go down as the day I might agree I don’t trust God 100%. But also it will go down as the day that I’m realizing I can’t figure out this stuff all at once. I have come so far. I’m so proud of my family and my internal strength.
But today, to quote that commenter, I feel like an axxhole.
Hope your day went better.
My book is available on Amazon. (Note: It’s a special ed journey… your kid doesn’t need to have Tourettes to relate!) Follow me on Twitter@AndreaFrazerWrites or on Facebook. )
8 thoughts on “Today Sucked. I Don’t Trust God. And Subbing.”
I don’t think you’re an axxhole. I think you’re brilliant.
Some days just suck.
There is no “one thing” that Tourette is. It’s different for everyone who has it. As a parent of a teen with Tourette, you have an educated opinion. It might not match up with that person’s opinion/impression, but that doesn’t make you wrong. Too much on the internet, people want to ‘own’ their disorder and tell everyone else the way it is. But I don’t want to talk about TS, I want to talk about sobriety. I didn’t get sober by joining AA, I did it the old fashion way of ditching all my friends and becoming a hermit in my alcohol free house. Do you go to meetings? Do you get community through AA (other than ‘yeah, I don’t drink either’)? Does god *have* to be involved? An engaged higher power is at odds with my spiritual beliefs. I’m trying to break out of my house, AA is a place that might be a natural fit.
AA has changed my life. I am forced to get out of self and help others. I go to meetings three days a week and have commitments at all three meetings. I worked the steps which helped dismantle the lies of who I thought I had to be and become the person God intended me to be. You do not have to believe in God to do the 12 steps but you have to get a power greater than yourself. I have a friend who made their higher power a ceiling fan. The other one made her higher power and her family. It is not a religious institution. But it is a spirit sure that changes our mindset. I recommend doing what I did which is going to 90 meetings in 90 days. You do not have to believe in God to do the 12 steps but you have to get a power greater than yourself. I have a friend who made their higher power a ceiling fan. The other one made her higher power her family. It is not a religious institution. But it is a spiritual one for sure that changes our mindset. I did 90 meetings in 90 days. It sounds like a lot but I knew my fear and panic of 40 years wasn’t good either. It absolutely saved me when I hit my emotional bottom. And part of my story was being sober without the program and I was actually worse off because I have nothing to take the edge off. They say the difference between a problem drinker and an alcoholic is when a problem drinker gets sober their life gets better. When an alcoholic gets sober their life gets worse. They need the support of the program and a higher power to make the shift towards a life where they can be happy joyous and free.
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I know what that’s like. Going through one now myself but it will get better. I promise. When I decided to try the program someone promised me “don’t worry, we can always for story to your misery if you don’t like it” 😘
In truth, I think I’m completely beyond the wanting to drink part. I’m even done with the grieving. But I don’t know how to interact with people. I feel so awkward whenever I try to socialize. Before, I always did it with a buzz. I doubt my town has more than 2 or 3 meetings per week. There just aren’t that many people here. Would people think it’s strange if I came without having an alcohol problem anymore?
Hi again! One of the things I’ve learned in my sobriety – and I learned this from studying the Big Book – is to tell my story. The Big Book says that alcoholics can talk to other alcoholics like no one else can. In the book it talks about we, as problem drinkers, have the phemomenon of craving. That before we gave up drinking we were bisieged with lonliness, fear, isolation, dread. I have found that without a program that list of terrors would have never gone away. I might not crave booze, but if I fall short of my spiritual tool kit those feelings come back. Most alcoholics do not have a drinking problem. They have a thinking problem. I, like you, was afraid of people, too. I still struggle with low self-esteem. But I know I have so much to offer others. It’s in sharing my story that I lift others up and it’s THERE I find God most of all. (Or in your case a higher power that you don’t need to call God.) Feel free to write me off line if it would help. Andrea.Paventi@Gmail.com
Some people are just so clueless and thoughtless. I’m sorry you had to deal with all of this, especially with someone just being so negative and mean. There’s just no call for it. I wish you a brighter evening and day tomorrow!