So I did what I said I would do in my last post: I wrote down my dreams. “Dear God, I want to write the musical you want me to write. Amen.”
Then I proceeded to be bullied by a kid in class. I told him I’d call his mom if he kept acting nuts.
“Oh, okay,” he said, dead eyed. “I’ll tell her what you did last semester and you’ll be fired.”
Um, I got on his case last October for acting like a butt wipe, and when I realized I was a harsher with my tone than I’d liked, I immediately apologized.
“She won’t do anything,” he says out loud to the class. “She’s afraid of me.”
The truth? I kind of am. I don’t want to be sued. I don’t want to lose my job. I don’t want… on and on.
You know what? That kind of fear sucks.
I proceeded to call my sponsor who flat out told me that I don’t trust God. If I did, I wouldn’t be on Year 2 of going in the opposite direction of what I’ve been gifted in.
I agree with that statement, but I’m also a fan of putting food on the table for my kids. And so I find myself, yet again, like the beautiful lady in the above photo. I’m half way between where I find myself working and half way between my dream. I’m just sitting still… and yet the chasm isn’t that large. Why? Why do I fill my days with busy busy busy? One more kid to watch. One more Ebay item to sell (despite saying I wouldn’t do that anymore). Oh, right… because I don’t trust God enough.
But why have I not worked harder at a new job?
Why have I not yet turned in that pilot?
Why have I not really sat down and looked at my musical outline in 6 months?
Am I just a big talker?
Lucky for me the night ended with a blog comment from someone who had read a Tourettes post. She said, “You are so inspiring. Thanks for your book.”
“You’re an axxhole” she writes. “Get educated on what Tourettes is. There are kids who are really hurting out there.”
I think this day will just go down as the day I might agree I don’t trust God 100%. But also it will go down as the day that I’m realizing I can’t figure out this stuff all at once. I have come so far. I’m so proud of my family and my internal strength.
But today, to quote that commenter, I feel like an axxhole.
Hope your day went better.