I interrupt my normally scheduled tic talk to share with you one of the most disastrous dinners in the history of time.
If you’d like to partake of such an adventure – and I highly recommend you do as there will be so much screaming you will have no chance to obsess over head nods, Tarzans or eye rolls – then here’s exactly what you need to do.
Directions For a Perfectly Disastrous Dinner
Trout with no head or tail but lots of bones
Salad with no dressing
1 Large Wasp buzzing around your chandelier light bulb
To make things especially interesting, cover said light bulb with a mustard yellow Tupperware bowl from 1970.
Listen for gentle giant son bemoaning poor little bee’s fate throughout entire meal which, two times, has to be put back in the oven because 550 degrees is apparently not enough to cook a foil wrapped river fish.
After fish is finally done, listen to kids tell you how they don’t like the fish or the salad.
Listen to your own voice tell them, “Sorry. This is not a diner.”
Listen to the devil on your shoulder scream at you that, “No, a diner would at least cook the fish, dork face.”
Watch husband almost break his neck surfing two chairs that have chair pads falling out the back.
Listen to bee, who we thought was deceased, start to moan and curse like a sailor who missed the naked lady dance review.
Watch daughter cower in anticipation under rainbow poncho while boy grabs syrup and Fiesta ware dinner plate to “Help the poor little bee get its energy back once it’s out of the light.”
Watch same little boy scream like a little girl and run out the house when the sweet little bee makes a nose dive for his head.
Same little boy sobs while annoyed handsome husband catches bee in water glass.
Perverse little Mommy? She just laughs and laughs and laughs. She needed this horrible, horrific, uncooked, non-alcohol induced meal. It was just the buzz she was waiting for.